new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
