She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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