He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
