I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
