Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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