I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
