When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
