when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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