another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
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Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
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Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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