If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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