I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
