Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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