if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
