all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
