I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
