I skipped work to stalk him.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
