at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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