U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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