Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
