who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
