Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
