I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
