Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
