only you would photoshop your dick
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
