I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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