Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
