My liver just broke up with me...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
