god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
