I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
