i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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