Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
