So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
