my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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