Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
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Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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