All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
