Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
