I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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