This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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