this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
