I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
