I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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