oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
