She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
