he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
