I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
