At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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