Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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