I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
