So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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