My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
