Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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