it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
