I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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