when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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