Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
