You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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