i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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